skeptical

Recently things have been quite confusing for me, a good friend became a frenemy for some reason and I can't stop pretending that things are alright when it's not for me. I keep acting like things are alright between us when everyone else knew she was using me for her own benefit and I talk smack behind her back (lol I ain't good too yknow). But well, dumb-dumb me didn't realise it till she finally crosses the line.
I mean, it's okay if you want to use some of my stuff but please don't take it for granted? I mean my clothes are quite meaningful to me -- it might be cheaper for you who knows -- and I don't have many in my closet unlike Y-O-U so please, respect me and my belongings. Shit, I don't wanna start.
But DON'T YOUR MOTHER TAUGHT YOU MANNERS?

On a side note, I don't know why I find it hard to be true to my own feelings. I'm a mess. I've always been a difficult person with the emotions of a whirlwind. I at times can't comprehend my own personality. So what can I do for me?


x

holding on to a piece of cloth

This post has been on hold for months, I've been wanting to explain, but then I decided, meh, I have nothing to lose.. I don't owe anyone any explanation. Not now.
 The thought of it has been lingering for too long in my mind, and I guess I was torturing myself by being someone I can't afford to be so I just...I was just doing the right thing.
I always thought this way wld give me time to find myself back to Him and have been hoping this change would give me a whole new perspective in life. Pray for me.


x

Wait...what?

I feel weird. As if there's something off... What is it? 

Wait...what? It's June already? 

Wow. It's mid 2017 already so I'm almost done with my fourth semester now..
But I still feel weird. What have I learned for the past 6 months???
It felt as if yesterday was the first day of 2017 and I'm starting my first day with class, now I'm half-way done with my degree.. Weird.

Sigh, fourth semester was crazy this time. It's almost a slow torture. Some subjects were easy, some...? Crazy hard. Especially when it comes to reading and memorizing. So not my forte! I don't know what was in my mind when I was considering law and meds back then. Phew.

But gosh, the assignments, the projects, I'm glad it's done! They were a pain in the buttocks you know. Going to think about my elective now...and that requires a clear mind, and some wine. *just kidding* 

Now let's focus on the present. 
My last paper would be on 15th June. And I can't wait. I have 3 more papers and istg it felt as if time was going on too slow. I need this to be over you know :/ I need rest, I need distractions. I need money... 

I know right, I had just about RM4k in my bank account last 3 months now it's finished... I suck when it comes to saving my money sigh. I need to go to some money saving class!!! I can't keep doing this I might fail in the future.,

Also, I'm 21 now! So I need to be more matured right? It should come naturally but right now I felt forced, I dont like this :( I wish fate can go soft on me. I've learnt so many things the hard way...now I'm happy and satisfied so I really wish things will stay this way...

Just updating!
Goodbye & salam ramadan al mubarak <3

f a i l u r e

Last night I failed, again
I thought of you
Of us
Of what had happened
And how we let it pass by as if it’s not worth fighting for.

Last night I shed a tear, again
I cried because of you
And because of me for thinking about you
I really want to know what happened
But parts of me disagreed and were in agony because
I thought of you

I wish that night would be the
Last night
I thought of you

Because every time
All I do
Was failing myself
And breaking myself apart
And letting myself down

And I don’t want that
I don’t want to be a failure

Life Update

I dont know how I feel right now. I'm not depressed, not that happy. Sub-par it is. Sometimes I let my emotions have the best of me. I let myself drown in my thoughts and underestimate my capability of being true.

I dont know how to properly adjust my words to make my emotions justified here. Just sometimes, I lose with myself.

I need help, I know. But I dont feel like calling out for one.